DIAL B for BLOG
NEW ISSUE ARCHIVES BOARD FAQ LINKS CONTACT ADVERTISE
Human Flame

PLUS: ROBBY REVIEWS "FINAL CRISIS" (After story!)


Human FlameDETECTIVE COMICS #274
The HUMAN FLAME

If you're reading DC's "FINAL CRISIS" (and hopefully you are NOT, as it is awful), you may have noticed that one of the villains in the book is an obscure Martian Manhunter foe called The Human Flame, who debuted in Detective Comics #274 (fake cover created in Photoshop by Robby shown above, real cover shown right). Where did this vintage Silver Age baddie come from? How did he get his fiery powers? "Final Crisis" didn't bother to tell you, they left it up to Robby! So here, reader, is the secret origin of THE HUMAN FLAME, featuring art by JOE CERTA, writer unknown...
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame
Human Flame


Human FlameROBBY REVIEWS
"FINAL CRISIS" #1


"FINAL CRISIS" is completely awful in every way, and really not even worth reviewing. I am only reviewing it to WARN everyone against buying it. In my opinion, it's the single most offensive comic ever printed,because it is the final proof that DC just absolutely could not care less about their readership, or even their own characters.

The story (such as it is) reads like a series of ads for other series. It makes not a bit of sense. No attempt to tell a coherent story is made. No explanations for anything are given. DC simply assumes you have spent hundreds of dollars reading the tidal wave of mindless drivel that proceeded this series, and memorized it. And if you haven't? Well, then screw you. DC could care less, and they are probably somewhere laughing in amazement that people actually still buy this crap.

One story from Wizard World Philly, posted on Newsarama, is quite revealing. At the convention, a fan expressed some disappointment with the first issue of Final Crisis. In response, both Jones and Sattler said “Don’t worry.” J.G. added that “The pace picks up immediately with issue #3. Grant structures his stories in such a specific way, and you will see why the first issue has so much set up. It all pays off!”

Translation: Everyone at DC knows that the first two issues of this series are dull, but too bad. Readers simply MUST spend ten bucks before the story gets good, and if anyone complains they just don't understand "Grant's structures."

Infinite Crisis
was a bloody mess that appalled fandom. We were told, wait, it will get better. DC's weekly series 52 started off OK but quickly became horrible, and we were told, wait, it will get better. Countdown to Final Crisis turned out to be even more horrible, and we were told, wait, it will get better. Now, Final Crisis is here, it is horrible, and again we are being told, wait, it will get better.

Hey DC -- while we were "waiting" we spent hundreds of dollars on absolute garbage that even YOU throw under the bus by ignoring it in Final Crisis. The superheroes in FC seems completely unaware of ANY of the events that took place in either Countdown or any other recent DC series.

As for the "story" of FINAL CRISIS #1, as I said, it is not a story but a series of ads. Actually it's more like the last two pages of several mini-series were ripped out of other comics, and collected here. It seem like there should be an ad for a related crossover mini-series on every third page -- or IS every third page. The art in this book, by J.G. Jones, has been drooled over only by those who drool over EVERY comic book artist, but I thought it was below average at best. The artist cannot draw faces. Am I being too harsh? Here they are, you decide:

Human Flame

Event-wise, the only thing that happens in this book is Metron goes flying around time, and all the super villains have evil board meeting number one billion. The meeting is called by old JLA bad guy LIBRA, and if you don't know his entire back story, again, screw you, too bad. They aren't offering so much as a single caption of explanation. And Grant Morrison has already been paid, so your opinion is good only for amusement purposes. Dan Dildo thinks it's funny too, and also thinks the concept of pleasing a fan base is the world's biggest joke. On all of US, apparently.

Oh and by the way, off handedly, almost as an annoying afterthought, they kill all Kirby's New Gods, and they also kill Martian Manhunter. Or at least they killed the misshapen-schmuck/ thing who they are currently calling Martian Manhunter. It happened in one panel, with no build up or explanation. Manhunter suddenly appeared, and was immediately killed. Of COURSE it was ultra-violent! Just a flaming sword through the chest, that's all. Oh well. No one seemed to care a bit. So what? Manhunter's only been around for like four decades. A one-panel instant death is all he rates with DC these days. Buh-bye, beloved DC icon, off you go. Next?

Human Flame

At WizardWorld Philly, J.G. said “Grant made a conscious decision to handle it that way. He thought it was much more shocking to bring him in and whack him.” Ian added that you will get a bit more of Martian Manhunter in the final issue of Salvation Run that ships next week, and that the upcoming Final Crisis tie-in Final Crisis: Requiem will deal with the Martian Manhunter’s death."

Oh, I feel so much better now! They planned it that way, and I should buy another two series if I want to understand the actual story. What's that -- another 50 bucks or so? Really, what difference does it make? It's not THEIR money. So if we stupid and over-demanding readers do not spend somewhere around $100, we will not be able to understand a single story in one COMIC BOOK?!?!?! I'd laugh if it didn't make me cry.

And this PARTICULAR comic book? Remember my "loving" review of INFINITE CRISIS? compared to that series, FINAL CRISIS reads like Shakespeare! Yes, it's THAT bad. Infinite Crisis was a bad story, but at least it was a story. Final Crisis is a marketing plan. There's the money quote, reader: "Final Crisis is a marketing plan."

In the view of Robby Reed, creator of this web site and author of this posting, "FINAL CRISIS" is VERY well-named, because for me it is a death-knell for DC. They have so little regard for either their own characters or those who buy the comics it is horrifying. I actually hope they go out of business, if they keep this up.

At any rate, before purchasing any new DC title in the future, I will inspect each page for evidence of the continuing pornographic destruction of my beloved childhood characters. If I find any, the book goes back on the shelf. Since EVERY book they publish is now like this, that means no more new DC comics for Robby. I will not miss them!

And I will be happier knowing that I am not contributing to the company anymore. They obviously hate me, so I will return the favor. Of course, they will not care about losing me in the slightest, which is the perfect evidence to prove my point. DC, please accept my sincere apologies for not reading the 1,001 comics necessary to understand this one single page from FINAL CRISIS...

Human Flame

Mind-boggling/numbing is it not? I now trust DC as much as I trust Larry Flynt. I actually trust Flynt more. He freely admitted he published porno. DC pretends they are publishing superheroes, while in reality they are catering to a sick and depraved world view which I want no part of. So let them torture and murder and rape the entire JLA. I won't be paying a nickel for a single disgusting panel of it. DC and the "creators" who put forth this obscene garbage should be ashamed of themselves. Instead, they will simply collect their paychecks and disclaim all responsibility for the sorry state of the industry.

I regret buying FINAL CRISIS, but I was suckered in by Grant Morrison's byline. I have loved many of his stories, primarily his Doom Patrol, JLA and All-Star Superman. As we all know, he's a good writer! And at times a GREAT writer. I am currently reading and enjoying only three comic book series: Brave and Bold, All-Star Superman (by Morrison), and Teen Titans Year One. These books are beautiful to look at, and the stories in them do not rely on sensationalistic garbage to be interesting. There's not a single rape, murder, or psychotic moment in the bunch! And Morrison writes one of them. I could never have predicted that in FINAL CRISIS, the iconoclastic Grant Morrison would turn into the ultimate corporate sell-out.

Finally, here's an ADVERTISEMENT that ran in FINAL CRISIS #1. It's not part of the story, but it really should be, since its look and tone are such a perfect reflection of the look and tone of so many DC books these days. Its main headline, DISTURBED, should be DC's new slogan:

Human Flame

Meanwhile, over in this week's BATMAN (also by Morrison!), we find a supremely boring 20-page talk fest depicted in amateurish, ugly artwork, a boring story climaxed by the beating of poor old Alfred, who never harmed a fly, but still gets beaten to a bloody pulp by villains resembling the DISTURBED image seen above. Alfie is last seen sprawled out on the batcave floor covered in blood....

Human Flame

Isn't that a lovely little scene? No doubt I am not appreciating the "context" ... the brilliant "structure" of it ... and since Morrison wrote it , criticizing it makes me a lout and a Philistine. After all, he's a "sure thing" and a genius. How DARE I criticize him?!?! My answer: I paid full price for these comics, and that little fact buys me the right to voice my honest opinion of them!

Meanwhile, over in "DEATH OF THE NEW GODS," the 8th and last issue of this perfectly dreadful little series ($3.50 per issue) concludes by negating its own previous seven issues. You see, the New Gods are actually NOT all dead after all, they're just "in another plane of existence." Oh, and Kirby's brilliant dichotomy of two opposing, warring worlds is blithely shattered by fusing the worlds together. Why? No particular reason... And the (dead/ undead/ re-alive/ whatever the hell he is) Orion isn't saying much about it, either...

Human Flame

Some will no doubt tell me: "But Robby, these comics are meant for ADULTS! If you hate gore and violence, why don't you try DC's kids line of books!" OK fine -- I tried one of them, namely JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED, part of the Johnny DC line for KIDS, and here's what DC thinks is OK for kids: First, The Spectre, an undead walking corpse, attacks a jail and burns convicts alive with fire vision in a colorful two-page spread...

Human Flame

Later that same issue, Bruce "Batman" Wayne is forced to relive his parents horrific murder again and again, screaming in psychotic agony. This goes on for three pages, complete with this lovely "I am going insane now" montage:

Human Flame

By the way, if you find any of this inappropriate for kids, you really shouldn't, because the cover logo assures us it's a part of DC's kid line of comics. Look at happy little Johnny DC, beckoning children to read this happy little tale of undead revenge, endless parental murder and grim psychosis.

Human Flame

So there you have it. "Final Crisis" is terrible, and all DC books should now to be considered suspect. The company deems undead revenge and mental breakdowns over parental murder to be fit material for young children. And for us "adults," it's a steady diet of rape, murder, psychosis and "big events." That's today's DC Comics, Inc. To sum it all up -- show DC comics to young kids at your own risk! Warning: Lawsuits may result.

THE END

P.S. This review is continued from 232 different ongoing blogs and series, and will be continued in 57 different publications spread across 44 web sites. Confusing? Only if you are stupid and fail to comprehend my brilliant "structures." P.S. Screw you!


X
X
COMING IN TWO WEEKS...
X

 Site Meter