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.Infinite Crisis

Written by Geoff Johns
Pencils by Phil Jiminez, Jerry Ordway, George Perez, Ivan Reis
Inks by Andy Lanning, Jerry Ordway, Ivan Reis, Oclair Albert, Marc Campos, Drew Geraci, Sean Parsons, Norm Rapmund, Art Thibert




It was brilliant! Moving! Bursting with fantastic imagery and loving craftsmanship! It sent chills up my spine, because it was just about perfect. It was amazing. It was an experience that made even me, EVIL Robby Reed, feel young, excited and thrilled about loving comic books.

Am I talking about the big, grand finale of the INFINITE CRISIS series?

HELL NO!

I just saw the new trailer for Superman Returns!

.But getting back to the question we ALL want answered: What did I, EVIL Robby Reed, think of INFINITE CRISIS? Did I like it or hate it?

Reader, if you think I LIKED it, then thank you for reading your very first issue of DIAL B for BLOG! Because I, EVIL Robby, don’t like ANYTHING. It’s because I’m EVIL. Duh.

Anyway, to have even an OUTSIDE chance at understanding the Gordian Knot constructed entirely of smegma know as Infinite Crisis, you’d first have to find, buy and read almost TWO HUNDRED DOLARS worth of crisis-related comics. But for the sake of argument, let's assume that I've done just that. Which I have. What did I, EVIL Robby Reed, THINK of Infinite Crisis and its related titles?

Am I now prepared to heap unheard of amounts of scorn on INFINITE CRISIS, as previously promised? Was INFINITE CRISIS a steaming crap pile? No, it wasn’t. God no! After all, how could I insult steaming crap piles by comparing them with this... this THING? After all, at least crap piles act as fertilizer. Infinite Crisis SMELLS the same, but as far as fertilizer goes... not so much. SHIT, yes. Fertilizer, no.
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For those who came in late, Infinite Crisis is a seven-issue maxi-series from DC that concluded this past week. The story was meant to be a sequel to Crisis on Infinite Earths, DC’s blockbuster 1980s series. The memorable ad slogan for the ORIGINAL Crisis series was: “Worlds will live, worlds will die, and nothing will ever be the same!” And, true to its slogan, in this story, countless worlds actually DID live and die, and so did several major characters -- including Kara, the original Supergirl, and Barry Allen, the Silver Age Flash (shown below).
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COIE #7 - Kara dies
Crisis on Infinite Earths #8 - Barry Allen Flash dies

.GORILLA WITCH SAYS:

"I am Gorilla Witch. DO NOT stand too close to my witches brew, human, or you WILL live to regret it! But if you stand just close ENOUGH, you'll be able to peer into my cauldron, and see the deadly brew DC used to concoct their so-called "Infinite Crisis."

But DON'T GET TOO CLOSE... I warn you! If you DO get too close, you may breathe in the toxic fumes, become a Crisis Zombie, and start compulsively searching for back issues of Rann vs. Thanagar in the 25 cent bins!"

According to Dan Didio, “INFINITE CRISIS was inspired by all the great comic stories of the past.” If this means it was COPIED from a great comic story MARVEL actually came up with many years ago, then yes, this is true.

Younger readers might not be aware of it, but the aftermath of Infinite Crisis was NOT modeled on the original Crisis series. Much of it, particularly the whole “One Year Later” bit, was blatantly stolen from an old Marvel limited series called Secret Wars. In fact, it’s SUCH a totally blatant rip-off I’m amazed no one has commented before on how fucked up it was of DC was to steal it. You don’t believe me? Then you’re an ass wipe. Read on, ass wipe.
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.Secret Wars was sort of Marvel's answer to Crisis On Infinite Earths -- but because Marvel beat DC to the press with this one, SW actually came out before its inspiration (of sorts), the first Crisis.

In Secret Wars, Marvel's major superheroes (Avengers, Spidey, FF, etc.) gathered in Manhattan’s Central Park, and were suddenly transported against their will to another world, where they battled the all-powerful cosmic Beyonder, as well as good old Galactus, for a whole year (real time). The Daily Bugle's headlines told the story like this: (see panel at right).

This “Secret War” lasted 12 issues (one year in real time), then the heroes returned to earth. After they returned, some of them had changed during the war. New team members, new costumes, etc. It went down like this...
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Then there's this completely original thought...
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DC Comics was once the home of an editor who was known as B.O. Schwartz -- not because he had Body Odor, but because he absolutely DEMANDED one thing of his creators: Be Original. But today, DC is OK with .stealing the basic premise of one of their biggest events ever from one of MARVEL’S biggest events ever, and doing a fucking HORRIBLE job of copying it to boot.

Did some genius actually say out loud, “Hey! Let’s copy Secret Wars!” Or did another genius come up with the idea “on his own,” oblivious to the fact that Marvel has done it first -- and, as it turns out, done it WAY better? Or did they just not care. But DC is asking us to spend HUNDREDS of dollars on this mouse-excrement! Where in the FUCK does DC get off doing this shit? BEMZARRO, imperfect duplicate of BEM who always says the opposite of what he really means, what do YOU think?

BEMZARRO SAYS:

"ME THINK THAT DC REALLY CARE ABOUT THEIR READERS! ME AM NOW TRUSTING DC MORE THAN EVER TO MAKE REALLY GREAT COMIC BOOKS!"
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Interesting viewpoint, you stupid fucking ass wipe. Anyway -- I, Evil Robby, may have the answer to why DC does such fucked up shit. You see, we need to understand one thing when dealing with the millions of Infinite Crisis-related comic books: This is not a story. It is an insanely long and torturous advertisement dressed up in whore’s clothing to trick readers into THINKING it is a story that will, like any good whore, REALLY PUT OUT.

In case you didn’t know, sticking your little head into a whore involves a few minutes of pleasure at the risk of contracting a deadly disease. Sticking your big head into Infinite Crisis is much the same, but without the few minutes of pleasure. The whore? She could care LESS what you think of her performance, as long as she gets PAID.

There you have it: DC’s new business model -- the whorehouse! And since they like to copy Marvel, the “House of Ideas,” so much, we should call DC “The WHOREhouse of Ideas!” from now on.
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Dear Power Man Girl,

I just had to write and thank you for "coming out" as a transsexual in the new issue of Playboy! You have given hope to gender bending web-spinners the world over with your courage! Thanks again,

Love, Spider Girl


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Dear Spider Girl,

Thanks for your letter. I decided to come out as a transexual shortly after Alexander Luthor attempted to create the perfect Earth by smashing my gigantic breasts together. See panels at left. By the way, I hear your book's been canceled. Too bad. Keep in touch!

Love, Power Girl


OK, let's get down to business. THE REVIEW!
Infinite Crisis #7, a landmark in the history of dreck, opens with an all-out villain attack on Metropolis. We are told this is because the villains think “If Superman’s city falls, the others will follow.” First of all, exactly how does a city “fall” to an army of super villains? What the fuck would they do, declare Amazo mayor or something? Place a gigantic golden statue of Alexander Luthor’s erect penis in Times Square and have it shoot out wads of cum every hour? Declare every Wednesday to be “Fuck the Fans” day, and laugh as comic fans all over America waste their hard-earned money on “stories” that are pointless, endless blood baths which go nowhere and are ugly to look at?

Second, if this villain assault ever were to actually TAKE PLACE, do you think it would look like a bunch of very confused assholes standing around trying to look evil? DC does! Because they pictured it exactly like that in the garish two-page spread seen below (I added the word balloons, ass wipe):
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One of the most totally fucked-up things about the new Crisis is its unexpected amount of violence, blood and gore. I mean, I’m no prude when it comes to violence, but this is a COMIC BOOK for God’s sake. What the fuck is up with all the BLOOD in this series? The insane levels of gory violence? Arms ripped off, heads smashed into mist, eyeballs popped out, animal abuse... holy shit, there’s a Friday the 13th-inspired blood bath in almost every issue.

And it’s not just Infinite Crisis, it’s many of the “One Year Later” titles too -- especially the darker-than-ever Batman and Detective books. Why did DC suddenly decide that every story had to show graphic close-ups of everything from popping eyeballs, to faces stripped of their flesh, to blood-covered puppy dogs? Is this DC Comics, or...
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Below, some of the violence, blood and gore found in "Infinite Crisis" and related titles...
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BEMZARRO SAYS:

"BEMZARRO AM SURE THIS MATERIAL BE SUITABLE FOR KIDS OF ALL AGES! ME WANT A COPY TO GIVE TO MY ENEMY, B.E.M., BECAUSE HIM WILL LOVE IT! GO ON!"
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As you can read in the panels below from Infinite Crisis #7, some “changes” have occurred in DC continuity as a result of this crisis. What changes? Errr.... they're not saying. They plan to dribble it out over the course of the next decade or so. All YOU need to know for now, ass wipe, is that certain things that were historical before this Crisis may no longer have happened at all. Other things happened in a different way on the reconstituted "New Earth," which is not Earth-One. Got it? Here, this will help...
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For example, before the Crisis, there was a weekly comic book full of inconsequential stories and average artwork. It was called “Action Comics Weekly,” and it didn't even last a full year.
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Action Weekly #601, first weekly issue Action Weekly #627 Action Weekly #642, last weekly issue
After the Crisis, the weekly comic book full of inconsequential stories and average artwork is called “52.” Will it last a full year?
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52, Week 1 52, Week 8 52, Week 12

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LEFT: Before the Crisis, there was a group of happy heroes called the Freedom Fighters which was made up of normal, well-adjusted superheroes who were not afraid of sunlight.

RIGHT: After the Crisis, this very same group will now be filled with dark, psychotic vampires who all have major issues.
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Freedom Fighters #1 THE NEW Freedom Fighters #1

Before the Crisis, there was an old Superboy Annual (#165) themed “Superboy’s Red Letter Days.” It contained stories of boys reuniting with long-lost warm and fuzzy puppies, feuding and fussing teenage girls, and evil villains from other worlds who always met with complete and unambiguous defeats.
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After the Crisis, this same comic is now slightly different...
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Before the Crisis, there was a certain Englishman named Will Shakespeare who was regarded as the greatest writer the world has ever known.
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After the crisis, the works of this man, every play, every sonnet, every poem, have all been transformed into different stories featuring BEM's bizarre buddy -- BEMZARRO!
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Before the Infinite Crisis, DC had a bunch of heroes we knew. After the Crisis....
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Dan Didio slips this comment in: “While [Superboy] Prime might be on his way to become the greatest villain in the DCU, he’s my hero for helping clear up our convoluted history.”

Didio likes Superboy Prime, the main villain of this “story” (I use that term advisedly). So how does he thank him? The DC heroes team up to beat the shit out of Superboy Prime, then drag him to OA and imprison him in a big green jail cell, ripped-up costume and all, with absolutely nothing else. No books. No TV set. No cable. No ESPN. No fucking TOILET for God’s sake. Where is he supposed to take his super shits? Inside a week, the little green cubicle will look like a pig trough on feeding day, and smell worse than a pasture full of mad cows on steroids.
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So what does the imprisoned Superboy Prime do, first thing? He slices a bloody “S” symbol into his own chest, and begins ranting about how he will easily escape. Although he is under the constant watch of 357 Green Lanterns, they somehow hear none of this deranged screed. Are they all fucking deaf as well as stupid? Or just oblivious? Or all three. They should rename themselves “The Green Lantern Corps of Douche Bag Assholes Who Can’t Hear.” What fucking stupid idiocy!

Bemzarro, what do YOU think of the GL’s plan to imprison Superboy Prime with no toilet?

BEMZARRO SAYS:

"ME THINK THAT AM A VERY GREAT PLAN! ME ESPECIALLY LIKE WISE USE OF ALL THE GREEN LANTERN'S TIME. ME AM BEMZARRO. ME NOT NEED TOILET EITHER!"
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Infinite Crisis was one of DC’s biggest events EVER, yet it had about 4 pencillers and 16 different inkers for each of its seven installments -- and the last issue was late anyway! How is this possible? Was this book not planned? Is DC not aware that a book has to be penciled AND inked... not just the first issue, but EVERY issue? Preferabl y by someone who's good, rather than bad. Newsflash: You can actually arrange these things in advance! But apparently DC didn't. How could such a massive fuck up occur?

According to Dan Didio, “Too much planning is never enough and you can never have enough planning.” But then Didio ejaculates THIS bit of wisdom: “We spent three days working on what turned out to be a 2 1/2 year story arc of the DC Universe.”

What does Gorilla Witch think of that statement?

.GORILLA WITCH SAYS:

"Oh, well! That's COMPLETELY different. I didn’t realize DC had spent THREE ENTIRE DAYS planning this monstrosity. Obviously D-Day was planned in five minutes, so three days is like almost a lifetime. And exactly what sort of misbegotten “planning” happened in that time? Did someone scream “Let’s do a Crisis sequel!” for three days? Did they narrow it down to 15 possible pencillers and 35 possible inkers for the series, then decide to use them ALL?"

At the end of the ORIGINAL Crisis on Infinite Earths, the book’s slogan was more than fulfilled. Worlds DID live, worlds DID die, and nothing ever WAS the same. But Infinite Crisis? The exact opposite! For example:

• Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are very mad at each other! But then they make up.
• Oa is moved from the center of the universe! But then it gets moved back.
• Power Girl and Nightwing are stars in this story! But they don’t do anything.
• The Rock of Eternity is destroyed permanently and forever! But then it gets rebuilt.
• The Flashes sacrifice their lives to defeat Superboy Prime! But he comes back, and so do the Flashes.
• Earth Two, the multiple earths and the multiverse return! For a few pages, then both vanish forever.
• The original Superman returns! So he can go all psycho and then die in a disgusting bloodbath.

That’s right, ass wipe, I said THE ORIGINAL SUPERMAN WENT ALL PSYCHO AND THEN DIED IN A DISGUSTING FUCKING BLOODBATH. First, "our" Superman (Earth Two, Curt Swan variety) has a bloody fight with Superboy Prime...
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Then, after "our" Superman manages to defeat Superboy Prime just cuz' the pages are running out...
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And then he dies. Superman dies. SUPERMAN DIES! But so what. He's only the very first ever superhero, the one who single-handedly created the entire comic book industry. So fucking what if he goes all psycho and then dies in a disgusting bloodbath? What does DC care if they are crushing my precious childhood memories? What does DC care if they are taking the heroic Superman that a generation grew up with and turning him into a sick and sad lunatic? Like that paid whore, DC has my money now, so what do they care? DC... the Dream Crushers.

Years ago, the Jason Todd Robin was killed off as a result of a reader phone-in poll. Denny O’Neil once said that after he died, he couldn’t walk into a New York deli without some crude motherfucker yelling out “Hey! .There’s the guy who killed Robin!” So what will happen when Geoff Johns walks into the same deli? “Hey! There’s the guy who turned Superman into a raving psychotic murderer, then had Superboy beat him to a bloody pulp! LET’S GET HIM!”

In my review of INFINITE CRISIS #1 (covers pictured right), I wrote, “I disliked its dark tone of cynicism and ultra violence -- but I sensed that the core of this storyline will be the ‘real’ Superman and company returning to finally set things right in the DC Universe. What a welcome development THAT would be!”

Yes, before this story began, we were lead to believe that its result would be to make the DC Universe a happier, more friendly place. Sadly, many of us took the bait, and believed we were on the threshold of a bright new day in Comicbookland. Sadly, I was among this group. But what actually happened was far different from what was advertised.

Is the DCU happier? Friendlier? Sunnier? Hell no! FUCKING HELL no! It’s not only NOT happier -- it's TWICE as dark. The DCU was been turned into a place I no longer want to live in. I may not even want to visit there. .Memo from DC to its fans: Fake out, readers! We promised you a rose garden, but the DCU is now twice as disgusting as it ever was!

Twice as many ra pes, three times as many decapitations, ten times the violence, and a hundred times as much psychotic behavior. DC promised us one thing, but they delivered the exact opposite thing -- in spades. In wretched excess. In vile, pointless, BLOODY wretched excess.

Does all this make DC stupid? Actually, NO -- it doesn’t. It makes US, you and I, the READERS, stupid. After all, we’re the ones who BOUGHT this train wreck, and made it the top book in comics for seven months in a row. We made DC rich(er)! Of course, we can be forgiven. We got suckered in with seductive promises. We didn’t know how it was all going to end -- in blood and confusion. But now we know. Now we know! And, unlike the Crisis-altered memories of DC’s characters, we’re going to REMEMBER.

As I mentioned at the start, the new Superman Returns trailer gave me goose bumps, and made me feel thrilled about loving comic books. But the post-Crisis DC comic books THEMSELVES? Not so much.

Near the end of Infinite Crisis, Lex Luthor asks a beaten Alexander a question. Inadvertently, this question has given us a preview of the slogan for DC’s NEXT mega-crossover event. It will be titled something like “Permanent Crisis,” and it will be accompanied by an ad campaign that will try to entice us with whorish and seductive promises claiming it will “make things better.” Will we buy it? Personally, I plan to run in the opposite direction.

But, as a favor to the poor unfortunates who DO plan to buy it, here it is -- as spoken by Lex Luthor himself at the conclusion of INFINITE CRISIS -- I proudly unveil the new slogan for those who plan to buy DC’s NEXT company-wide crossover mega-event:
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THE END!
NEXT on DIAL B for BLOG
The SECRET of
GORILLA WITCH!



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